


crush me with the things you do

by olive2read



Category: Schitt's Creek
Genre: Beard love, Breathplay, Hand Jobs, M/M, Podfic Welcome, Pre-Canon, Rare Pairings, Secret Crush(es), puns
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-22
Updated: 2019-08-22
Packaged: 2020-09-23 18:02:09
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,098
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20344360
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/olive2read/pseuds/olive2read
Summary: This came from a prompt by olivebranchesandredwine for Mutt/Ted containing the words collar, mortgage, and starburst. Thanks for giving me this idea friend!!





	crush me with the things you do

**Author's Note:**

> This takes place anytime prior to S1E7 where Ted asks Alexis out. I like to put it in the fairly recent past (in terms of pre-canon) so that we get Mutt & Ted basically as we first meet them, but you do you fair reader 😉
> 
> Title from Dave Matthews Band’s “Crush” 
> 
> **Scroll to the end for CW**

Ted looked up at the town hall and sighed, hoping that he’d find Ray inside. He’d been all over town today, trying to track Ray down to notarise the transfer of the deed. After today, assuming he could get Ray’s notarisation stamp on the paperwork in time to get to the bank before it closed, he would officially be the proud owner of a house with attached office.

He was _so excited_ to renovate and open his veterinary practice! He’d always wanted to help animals, had so worked hard to get through vet school and, now, here he was. He felt like he was on the cusp of something great, something that had lain just out of his reach for so long and would now be within his grasp, if he only stretched a bit further. Nodding and reminding himself to manifest that greatness, Ray _would_ be inside and he _would_ get this finalised today, Ted went up the steps and into the hall.

He found Ronnie seated at her desk and no one else inside. He took a deep breath. He’d always had a bit of a crush on Ronnie and it made talking to her difficult. She was just so ... competent ... and ... confident ... and ... she had _such_ good boundaries. Everyone knew that when Ronnie said yes or no to something, she meant it and she stuck to her guns. He’d been working on his boundaries and every time he found his resolve crumbling, he tried to channel Ronnie. Most of the time, that was all he needed. He reminded himself that, as of this moment, he was a highly competent adult professional and approached her.

”Heeeeey Ronnie,” he began. Ronnie just looked at him. Ted swallowed. “Do you happen to know where Ray is?” Nothing. “Or, maybe when he’ll be back?” He could feel a drop of sweat beginning to slide down his temple and held the folder containing his precious paperwork out a bit further to ensure he didn’t drip on it. Ronnie hadn’t so much as blinked. “It’s just,” he gulped, “I, ah, I need him to notarise some documents f-for the mortgage on my new home office. Well, my new office that will be attached to my new home.”

”He’s at lunch,” Ronnie told him and returned her gaze to the paperwork in front of her.

”Oh, hey, great, thank you Ronnie, thanks, yeah, great.” Ronnie ignored him and Ted took himself over to sit on one of the chairs along the wall. He checked his watch. It was 12:53pm so presumably Ray would be back soon, right? He opened the folder and verified that all of the documents on the checklist from the bank were present and complete.

After a few minutes, Ray came bustling in, a whirlwind of energy and enthusiasm. “Ted! Hello! This is the big day, eh? Come to finalise everything?”

Ted stood and fumbled the folder, thankfully managing to catch it before it spilled across the floor. The whole stamping process took no time at all, Ray didn’t even really have a chance to chide Ted about remembering that his realtor commission would be separate from the notary costs but included on the same invoice, for his convenience of course. Ted carefully shuffled his papers back into their folder as Ray waved him away, reminding him to get to the bank to file everything before the end of the day.

”I’m headed there now,” Ted assured him. “While I want to be sure I have a house for dogs, I don’t want to end up in the dog house myself.” Ray blinked at him and Ted forced a smile. Ok, sure, that hadn’t been one of his better lines but he was under a lot of pressure here. He turned to go and nearly bumped into ... oh god ... Mutt Schitt. Ted’s eyes widened and he felt his folder slipping from his grip. Mutt reached out and caught it smoothly, before it even had a chance to open, and handed it back to him, raising an eyebrow. Ted swallowed and stuttered out a thanks, taking the folder and hurrying outside.

Once he was safely on the steps, he slowed his pace and took a few calming breaths. He clung to the fact that his deed transfer was notarised and all of his mortgage documents were ready to go and very intently _did not_ think about the fact that he’d somehow run into two of his former crushes in the space of ten minutes, after having successfully avoided both of them for the past five years. He closed his eyes.

At least his crush on Ronnie made sense. She was the kind of person he wanted to be, someone he looked up to, and respected, and admired. It certainly wasn’t surprising that he’d confused admiration for something more when he’d been a teenager. Most of his awkwardness these days centred around worrying that she somehow knew about his former feelings and wasn’t due to any residual lust. He had no doubt that he’d grow out of all that soon enough.

But Mutt ... Ted sighed. Mutt was different. His crush in high school might have made sense initially, it was so cliché after all to swoon over the bad boy rebel who’d been able to grow a full beard long before anyone else, and years ahead of Ted himself, but it shouldn’t have such power over him anymore. Although, he still sighed when he thought about that beard. He hadn’t allowed himself more than a quick glimpse of it today but it looked to be as full and luxurious as ever. Ted had lost hours to the contemplation of how it would feel to run his hands through it, at what length it would stop chafing against his own smooth skin and start to glide silkily, how it would tickle his thighs when Mutt sucked him off. He shut down that train of thought and discreetly adjusted himself.

After all, once Mutt had started bullying Ted, it had made a lot less sense that Ted continued to pine after him. It hadn’t ever gone very far and, thankfully, his mom had never found out since she would’ve marched straight into the school and demanded they put a stop to it and ... Ted hadn’t really wanted it to stop. He’d known that was wrong but back then Ted had been so gangly and shy and all Mutt had ever done was push him up against some lockers a couple of times. Oh, and copied his homework until their math teacher had caught on. Oh, and then there was that one time ... well, that really didn’t bear thinking about. Much like he tried not to think about how it had felt when Mutt’s body had pressed his into the lockers, or the number of times he’d masturbated to the look they’d shared, he didn’t want to remember the rest. There was no sense in dwelling on the past.

Ted was a new man. He’d grown into himself in college and, while no one would ever call him a muscle man, he liked to think that his time at the gym was paying off. The folder in his hand was the start of a fresh life. Ted walked the rest of the way to his car and set off for the bank, determined to begin his new life as soon as possible.

###### Two days later

Ted answered the knock on his new front door and froze. Mutt stood on his doorstep. He didn’t seem to be breathing heavily and yet Ted felt like all of the air in the universe had been sucked into the pull he exerted. Mutt nodded at him. Ted somehow managed to find his voice.

”Hey, Mutt, what, ah, what can I do for you?”

”You wanted new kitchen cabinets?”

”Oh. Yes. Yes, I did.”

They stood there and stared at each other for a moment before Mutt grew a bit restless. “Well, do you want me to come in and take measurements or not?”

Ted shook himself. “Oh, right, of course. Please,” he stepped back and waved Mutt inside, still more than a little stunned. Ted trailed along in Mutt’s wake toward the kitchen in a bit of a daze. Mutt Schitt was in his house.

Mutt cast an assessing eye over everything and Ted refused to be anxious about his opinion. Or, at least, that’s what he told himself as Mutt turned the appraisal on to him. He looked Ted up and down and Ted’s mouth was suddenly drier than the Sahara at noon. “So, what did you wanna do in here?”

It took a moment for Ted to register what Mutt was asking, as his mind had immediately filled with images that were probably light years away from Mutt’s actual meaning. He closed his eyes and forced air into his lungs. Reset, Ted, just reset and answer the question. He nodded, opening his eyes, and began to explain his vision for his kitchen. Once he got going, he warmed to his subject and his anxiety about Mutt’s presence began to dissipate. He was simply too excited about this to get bogged down in complicated feelings about an old crush.

He took Mutt through the entire house, speaking and gesturing expansively. He tried to avoid looking directly at Mutt, it was too easy to get caught in that gaze and thoughts of that beard, but he fantasised that he caught glimpses of a small smile playing along Mutt’s lips. He told himself that Mutt’s beard was far too thick, and dark, and glossy, and – _dammit_, it was just too thick, that’s all the description it needed, that was _enough_ – to be able to see any such smile. He clenched his jaw and resolutely walked toward the door that opened into the adjoining office where he planned to established his practice. They spoke about his needs and his vision and when Ted finally led Mutt back into the kitchen, he realised that it had gotten dark outside and that his stomach was protesting his inattention. He’d been so absorbed in his plans for the future – not in Mutt, in his _plans_, he told himself firmly – that he hadn’t noticed the light changing.

His stomach rumbled again and he flushed. Mutt was definitely smiling now, there were teeth visible through the beard, no question. Ted considered just sending him on his way, to save himself the awkwardness, but his manners won out. “Would you, ah, would you like to stay for dinner?” Mutt raised an eyebrow at him, smile still in place. “I, ah, I was just gonna order a pizza and, ah, I’ve got some beer in the fridge. Nothing much, but you’d be welcome to join me.”

Mutt nodded. “Sure. I like everything on pizza so whatever you want is fine.” He walked to the other side of the kitchen and started opening drawers and cabinets, pulling out his measuring tape and making some notes.

Ted pulled out his phone and placed an order. “Should be about 25 minutes, they said,” he informed Mutt, who grunted at him.

”Did you wanna save any of this hardware?”

”I’m sorry?”

Mutt tugged on the nearest drawer pull to demonstrate. “These. Did you wanna use them in the new cabinets or did you want all new ones?”

Ted considered them. He didn’t really have strong feelings one way or the other. “Ah, I’m not sure. What do you think I should do?”

Mutt thought about it for a moment. “They’re good quality, nice colour. If it were me, I’d keep them. Most people prefer new things though.”

Ted nodded. “Sure, ok, yeah, let’s keep them then. Glad you’ve got such a good handle on this stuff.”

Mutt blinked at him. “Still doing the pun thing, huh?”

Warmth spread across Ted’s face . “Yep, that’s me. Just a punny guy, I guess.” He smiled, hoping it didn’t look as unsteady as it felt.

Mutt cocked his head to the side and regarded Ted for a moment, then stepped toward him. Ted took an involuntary step back and found himself against the wall. One side of Mutt’s mouth turned up in a smile as he continue to advance. He stood close enough that less than an inch separated their bodies and Ted felt his eyes grow wide and his ears pull back in alarm as he swallowed.

“I always liked your puns,” Mutt said softly. Ted felt his lips part as the warm, moist air from Mutt’s words hit them, as though his body needed to take in not just oxygen but the essence of Mutt in order to function. His gaze was locked on Mutt’s lips, waiting to see if he would say more, breathe more, anything, so long as it was more. 

The lips opened the tiniest bit and moved toward his own and then Mutt was kissing him and he groaned as the thick, dark hairs of Mutt’s beard slid across his skin. Mutt took the opportunity afforded by his groan to lick into Ted’s mouth and Ted felt his knees wobble. Mutt’s hips pressed into his and his hands came around Ted, smoothing down his flank and cupping his ass. 

Ted was in heaven. Mutt was kissing him. _Mutt_ was kissing _HIM_. It was everything he’d yearned for as a teenager and, if he were honest, that yearning hadn’t ever stopped. He had one hand carding through Mutt’s beard while the other dug into the lustrous hair at the top of his head.

Mutt pulled back, a sly grin on his face. “Did you say we had 25 minutes?” he asked. His voice had gone husky and deep in a way that went directly to Ted’s already hard cock. He felt the wetness of bit of pre-come as Mutt ground their hips together. 

Ted gaped at him, impressed that Mutt could still make words right now. He released his hand from Mutt’s beard, looked blankly at his watch, and tried to do the math in his head, then quickly gave it up as a lost cause. “Ah, well, when I hung up, yeah, so probably less now.”

“Good,” was all Mutt said before his lips were on Ted’s again. His hands moved around to the front of Ted’s jeans and began unfastening them, then he pushed them down. He reached into Ted’s boxers and withdrew his cock. Ted moaned as Mutt’s hand closed around his shaft and gave a firm stroke. Mutt leaned back and raised his hand to his lips, slathering his fingers with saliva, eyes locked on Ted’s. He wrapped his hand around Ted’s cock again and Ted choked and nearly came as Mutt began to pump, rapidly picking up speed.

“Mutt,” he gasped.

Mutt smiled at him with a look that Ted could only call predatory. He wracked his brains, trying to think of something less animalistic, but between the scorching heat in Mutt’s gaze and the movement of his hand on Ted’s cock, his higher brain functions weren’t responding at the moment. 

Mutt slid his free hand up Ted’s chest and closed it lightly around his throat. Ted whimpered and instinctively pressed into the touch. Mutt’s smile turned positively feral.

“I always wanted to do this, you know,” he told Ted, squeezing lightly. “It’s what I imagined every time I slammed you into those lockers. Never had the stones to really do it before, though.” The medical safety part of Ted’s brain kicked into gear and confirmed that Mutt’s hand wasn’t pressing against his voice box or actually constricting his breathing or blood flow. Which was good because Ted was incredibly turned on by this. He found himself arching his back against the wall, offering his throat to Mutt’s pleasure. “Yeah, I knew this would be hot with you,” Mutt whispered, leaning in to nip at Ted’s ear. Ted let out another whimper. “Once I’d heard you went to vet school, I knew I had to get my hands around this pretty throat, knew I’d been right in thinking you’d love this feeling.” 

Ted gasped. He tried to nod frantically but stopped almost immediately, realising he didn’t want to risk the movement. Mutt squeezed a little harder. Ted wondered if this was what dogs felt when they pulled against their collars on walks. Did they just pull harder because it was so good? He knew that he’d remember this moment every time a client asked him for advice on how to get their dog to stop pulling. The thrill of riding this edge of danger while feeling completely safe, trusting in Mutt who clearly knew exactly where to put his hand for maximum effect with minimum risk.

Mutt kissed him again and pressed just a tiny bit harder against Ted’s neck. The feel of that glorious beard against his skin, the intense rush of Mutt’s hand on his throat, and the fast jerks of his other hand on Ted’s cock were suddenly too much and his orgasm exploded out of him. He shouted, or tried to, and his vision clouded into a field of pure white as Mutt pumped every last drop of come from his cock. He blinked, trying to clear his vision. Slowly, so very slowly, it began to clear, little starbursts of colour shimmering on and off as the white receded. He sagged against the wall and only then realised that Mutt had released his neck and was petting his hair, his face in the crook of Ted’s neck where his hand had been, though only to feather kisses along his collarbone and not to exert any pressure.

Ted sucked air into his lungs and relished the residual feeling of constriction. He hoped there would be bruises tomorrow so that he’d have some way to prove to himself that this had truly happened. It would be uncomfortable to wear a turtleneck in the balmy summer weather but so worth it. 

The doorbell rang and Ted froze. He felt his eyes growing wide as a flush crept up his face. Mutt smirked at him and kissed him gently. “I’ve got this one,” he said, dropping one last kiss on Ted’s lips before heading to the door. Ted slumped and slid down the wall in a daze, his legs no longer able to hold him up without Mutt’s support. He still couldn’t quite wrap his brain around the fact that Mutt, Mutt Schitt of all people, had known just how to take him completely apart. Then again, he was a trained _handy_ man, so …

**Author's Note:**

> CW: references to bullying in high school, including some physical violence, and breath play


End file.
